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Welcome to the blog website of Anne Heffron: writer, mother, adoptee.

How to Date an Adopted Man - Guest Blogger Rick Feltner

How to Date an Adopted Man - Guest Blogger Rick Feltner

 

1.     Accept the fact that he has unresolved "Mommy Issues." He was abandoned by his mom. All men love their mothers, and all men deserve to have a nurturing, doting, adoring, loving mother.  He may think he hates his natural mother, but really he is just hurting and hate is the only way he can express it and feel manly at the same time.

2.     Do not think it means anything if he will have sex with you the first date. You won’t be the first. He loves affection and sex is the ultimate expression of affection.  He is constantly longing for the affection he has lacked his entire life.

3.     Bring a condom. He will be too emotionally and physically caught up in the moment to think about it. 

4.     He will not stop staring in your eyes. He needs that connection. The more you can surrender to his affection, the happier he will be.

5.     Touch him! Touch his face, his leg, his back, his chest. He longs for it. He longs to be adored.

6.     He does not want to be the first one to say "I love you."  He is too fragile to be that vulnerable. If he does say it first, do not leave him hanging. If the feeling is mutual tell him. If it is not, tell him. He needs that connection, if it cannot come from you do not play games or waste his time.

7.     Expect flowers, candles, door holding, mood music (the works). He will do anything for love unless he is Meatloaf, then he won’t do "that."

8.     Do not keep him waiting. He has planned so many wonderful things to make your night perfect. If you throw off his schedule, he will be out of sorts all night and you will not get the best of him.

9.     Expect a text, call, email, after the first date. He isn’t big on the three-day rule or even the twenty-four-hour rule. He needs instant validation that you enjoyed the evening as much as he did.

10.  Know he will do stupid things unintentionally that will make you want to leave him. He will hide things from you, lie to you, and may even avoid you if he feels guilty that he did something wrong.

11.  Know it is your job to find him and bring him into your bosom and tell him it’s okay and you still love him.

12.  Never strike him! A slap in anger (whether it hurts or not) is a line that should never be crossed by a man or woman. Doing so will belittle him and emasculate him and, if he chooses to forgive you for it (not likely), he will never forget it.

13.  Tell him you will never leave him, and you love him (if you mean it). He needs that reassurance.  The person who should have loved him the most abandoned him, so it will be hard for him to believe you. Actions speak louder than words. Show him through your actions--he has eyes like an eagle. He sees things below the surface.

14.  If he walks away in anger it is only because he does not want the situation to escalate. He will return when you can talk through it and come from a place of understanding. If you insist that he stays while he is mad, you will not like what you see, so let him go. He doesn’t want you to see it either!

15.  Be with him always! If you are in a public place together, stay near him. Don’t make him find you. Walk with him. Go dance with your friends but return to him and adore him. Drag him on the dance floor if you must. You would be surprised how much he will do for you as long as he feels like you are "with’ him.

16.  Yes, this means you are both lover and mother. His soul is hurting, because his mother didn’t nurture it. He needs soothed when he is angry, he needs reassured when he makes a mistake, he needs kissed when he falls down. Pick him up and love him. It is not his fault. It isn’t yours either, but if you want to love him it is your responsibility.

17.  Make loving him your job. Listen to him when he needs to vent. Tell him how wonderful he is.  Fill him up!

18.  If he needs you, be there. Don’t put him on the back burner. Don’t multitask. Don’t phone it in.  Be Here Now! You will reap the rewards! He loves to show his appreciation.

19.  Don’t try to fix him. He isn’t broken. He’s just complex. He needs a nurturer not a meddler. If you go in and try to start fixing things in his life that are messy, he will resent you for it. Those are his messes. You can point him in the right direction, but let him do the work on his time. Those messes are his comfort zones sometimes.

20.  He has secrets, and if you go meddling you will find skeletons. If skeletons frighten you, then you found the wrong guy. If “Skeletons from the Closet” is your favorite Grateful Dead album, then turn up the stereo and dance with him! After all, “There’s nothing left to do, but smile, smile, smile!”

21.  Know that he is not weak. This man has survived things no one should ever have to face.  Don’t mistake kindness for weakness. Don’t mistake tenderness, for stupidity. He will carry you through the fires of hell, slay the devil, build you a castle, and genetically engineer you a unicorn if you stand by him.

22.  Encourage his whims and fantasies and dreams. With encouragement he will be an amazing man! He has for too long tried to be the good boy who will be accepted and wanted while failing miserably. Find out what he wants and accept him for that.

23.  If his ideas on life, love, and faith do not fit the mainstream model, that is because his life does not fit the mainstream model. It hasn’t since birth.  He has a better view of how things really are. He understands relationships, beliefs, and the universe a little better because he has had an outside in view his entire life.

24.  Be ready to talk about adoption, God, Marxism, Taoism, Ancient Aliens, or any other unorthodox view every day if necessary. The mundane, regular, surface level stuff does nothing for him. He needs stimulated with the alternatives!

25.  Be brave. Be strong. Be ready to reach out again and again when it looks like he is pushing you away. Know he is waiting for you to leave, and that if you stay, know he will take note.  In the end you have a wonderful partner who will move heaven, earth, and hell to make you happy. You just have to give him room to screw up and love him anyway. He will get it right when he has the right environment to thrive!

26.  Never give up! Unconditional love is all he wants. Love his WHOLE being. The good, the bad, the ugly. That’s all he ever wanted. When he feels safe in that, you will be holding a jewel.  Let him shine!

 

The Pull of Skin

The Pull of Skin

How to Date an Adopted Woman

How to Date an Adopted Woman