Day 73 - Dear Mary, Quit Your Job
On Instagram, the yoga teacher Rod Stryker posted: Make a conscious effort to reject that which is not helpful in your life, and embrace what is. There is a certain power within those things that are not helpful to us. So we must work to become more powerful than those things. We must work toward greater fluidity in stepping away from those those things that are not helpful, and stepping towards those things that are.
One of the things that has become clear to me during this 93-day project is that I have choices. For most of my life, I have felt at the mercy of my emotions or moods. It was like I was my own rollercoaster. I was never sure if I was going to be up or down. Part of the problem was that I am so reactive. If someone does something and it triggers me to feel upset or angry, I tend to just go with it and ride that emotion until the storm passes and I am able to feel like myself again.
But this often hurts both me and anyone else I came into contact with during the storm of Anne. Even today someone made a joke and I took it seriously and said something cutting back. It's like I'm perpetually on the tennis court, ready to hit back any comment that comes my way instead of sitting on some mountaintop in a meditation position, listening.
I notice these things because since my gut has calmed down I'm generally really peaceful. Today someone tailgated me and I didn't even flip him off.
I have been reading so much about the gut and the microbiomes that reside there, and I'm convinced that the food I eat is largely responsible for how I feel. I think the mirobiomes in my digestive system tell my brain how I'm feeling, and if I've stirred up intestinal difficulties by eating sugar or gluten or if I've revved up the system by feeding it caffeine, my emotions mirror the instability and dis-ease I am feeling in my abdomen.
This brings me back to choice. I can choose to feel good. I can. I can eat right. I can avoid stressful situations, people, movies even. I can take care of business--anything that worries me that I can control (my bedroom is messy; a bill needs to get paid). Worry is a terrible thing. Worrying about something I can actual do something about is just stupid.
And now I want to say something to a dear friend of mine because in her I see my own fear of really letting go and flying into the wonder of what can I make of this one life.
Mary. You grew up in an incredibly stressful home envirornment. And you survived. You are a beautiful, hysterically funny, wildly creative, hugely hearted woman and yet you have recreated the stress in your life by choosing a job that torments your soul. You have done what so many other caretakers do--you put take care of others before taking care of you.
Knock it off.
You'll find other ways to help the kids. But the world needs you alive and 100% on, not grinding your teeth at night because the day was so traumatic.
Do the laughing yoga. Make the studio. You have so many friends who will help you. I will help you.
We are all in this together.
See you tomorrow.