Day 75 - Yesterday was a Horrible, Terrible, No Good Day.
Yesterday was a terrible day, and it was because of breakfast. I had goat’s milk kefir for breakfast (a new food I was experimenting with to see if lactose-intolerant me could tolerate it), and almost immediately I felt as if had a too-small helmet on my brain and that my body was a place of wrong—my abdomen was distended, not so much hurting as something I wanted to sidestep. I wanted to sidestep myself the whole day. I had negative thoughts. I felt despair about the present, the future. It was like I was trying to climb an invisible waterfall while the world saw me going about my business, trying to function like a normal person. My head hurt.
This lasted all day.
I realized this morning, a new start, bone broth for breakast, that yesterday was how I used to feel maybe 75% of the time. I had headaches every day until recently. I thought headaches and body discomfort were part of having a body.
I started this 93-day project and got serious about paying attention to what I ate and what I did and how both made me feel in my body/mind. Yesterday was the first time I have had a headache in a while. I haven’t had a migraine in weeks now.
For many people, goat’s milk kefir is a health food, but not for me. Before this 93-day project, I had gotten so used to feeling not quite right after eating that I thought that was just what life was like for me. But now I think differently.
I could focus on all the things I “can’t” eat or drink: pizza, bread, ice cream, coffee, alcohol, etc etc etc. Sometimes I do. Sometimes I have these things because I’m with a friend and we have a pizza place that is dear to our hearts, and I want to be human and connected more than I want to be completely pain-free, but generally I eat at home or at Whole Foods or Staff of Life and keep it clean and organic.
I’m trying to figure out why my body is having trouble processing fat, and so it’s still and day-by-day experiment on how can I get this wonder that is my body humming at full force. The more I experiment and read and research, the more I’m convinced that the most important thing an adopted person can do in the effort of living the best life possible is to not touch sugar and to avoid foods that made you feel sick. Putting a traumatized person on an out-of-control roller coaster is never going to end well.
I know. I’m sorry. For some people, for me, loss of foods was piling loss on top of loss, but now I’ve pretty much gotten over it, and the joy I feel in my brain outweighs the temporary high of I got from eating whatever I wanted.
One day at a time.
See you tomorrow.