The Gazillion-Dollar Sperm Bank
It has been hot here in the Bay Area. It got to 109 the other day, and so I had a lot of time to lie on the couch and think about how to make the world a better place.
It also gave me time to watch the documentary Shoot First on the photographer Harry Benson. In the 1980s, he went to Somalia to document the refugee camps. Earlier that morning I’d heard about a Labor Day hot dog eating contest on the radio. The winner was going to get $1,500. Some of the Somalian children in the film looked like very thin hot dogs with even thinner appendages. We have so much craziness going on in the world. I’m surprised there isn’t a contest to see how many starving children some white guy in San Jose could eat.
But let me get to my idea.
There are too many children on the planet who do not have adequate care. Some are starving; some are abused; some are horribly lonely…the list goes on and on. (And the worst part is that some of them are all of these things at once). We need money so we can feed these children, so we can shelter them, offer them help in school, help out on the street.
Where can we get this kind of cash?
You see, sex is not a fair exchange. A man, essentially, goes to the bank (a woman), makes a deposit (yes, condoms do fail), and then he gets to leave whatever it was that he deposited behind and hit the open road.
But he may have left more than a wet spot. He could have left a child, and the man, gentle reader, never has to go back to even shake that baby’s hand. The man can pretend like it never happened. Or, in the case of DNA testing, although the man may be labelled “father” the man can still refuse contact and responsibility.
Women already have to deal with hormones and menopause and fashion magazines. Dealing with sprinting sharp shooters on top of everything else is just adding insult to injury.
I went online and searched “How many times a day does the world have sex?” and this is what I got from Eivind Kjørstad on Quora
· There are 7 billion people in the world.
· Let me guess that the average person has sex once a week for half his/her lifespan.
· That means that every week there's 0.5*7 billion = 3.5 billion people having sex.
· There are about 10.000 minutes in a week; so on the average 350K people start having sex every minute.
· The average sex-act may last for 15 - 30 minutes.
Somewhere between 5 and 10 million people are having sex at any given moment. (this is nothing more than a guess, but I doubt it'd off by more than one order of magnitude.)
This is where I come in. The sweating think tank.
When born, men should have a tiny computer chip inserted in their penis (Oh, stop wincing! You get an IUD and then talk to me about discomfort) that keeps track of when said penis ejaculates inside a woman (thank god for technology) and a dollar is then extracted from their bank account and put into the Great Children Fund. (Gay men! You are off the hook!! Men who have had a vasectomy, you are also off the hook. I think. The final decision is still pending.)
Dear male readers, I know you are probably grabbing your packages right now in horror, but hold on. Let me explain the brilliance of my plan.
Somewhere between five and ten million people at any moment!! If you follow my plan, that equals five to ten million dollars every moment! That is SO MUCH MONEY!!
It’s not fair that my birth father was able to make a donation at the bank of my birth mother and then go on with his life while she had to take a year off college, go to a home for unwed mothers, give birth, give up her child, and then spend a lifetime pretending it never happened. If there had been a fund with billions of dollars, perhaps she could have received financial support so she could have raised the child herself.
Situations like this would radically lessen adoptee depression and suicide because there would be so many fewer adoptees! Birth mothers would not suffer in the same way because instead of feeling isolated and unsupported, we as a world would have the financial means to treat these women like the queens they are. Holy creatures that carry life.
It may also make a man think twice. What if he didn’t HAVE a dollar in the bank? Maybe he could just kiss the girl instead of going all the way. Maybe he could use his own hand. There are other options when you can’t afford a dollar.
This whole plan could get creative. If a man, for example, sexually penetrated a woman against her will, the chip could sense this and, immediately, 80% of his bank account and 80% all future earnings could be pulled and put into the fund. (Hard not to write 100%, but I’m trying to sound accommodating, even to a rapist.)
This law could be called A Buck A Fuck. I’m not sure how that translates into the roughly 6,909 languages we have in the world, but it will be fun to see them all listed in one place.
I feel good about this idea. It basically made the heat wave worth it. After my plan is put into action, everything will be so different! I won’t see images of starving children. I won’t hear about single mothers struggling financially. Every night I will fall asleep thinking that all over the world children get to fall asleep the way I do, in a soft bed, with a full stomach, with a morning on the horizon where anything is possible because someone cared enough to give them support.
If you liked this post, please consider buying my book You Don’t Look Adopted. If you didn’t like it, the invitation still holds.